Dream Warriors: A brief synopsis. (That means review)

Our next installment in the BLIND MOVIE PICKING THINGAMER is a hilarious looking movie I found at the local mini-mart, or whatever it is called. Being that I have an affinity for clashing time periods and spiked clubs, Dream Warriors caught my eye heartily.

Please note that this is the only suitable image I could find of the DVD’s cover, and it is missing vital elements (such as the ever important name).

Now as the cover would lead you to believe, this movie is about a clan of dungeons and dragons players that somehow gain superhuman strength. They wage war on the world that called them losers, eventually toppling the Statue of Liberty, which means, as all other apocalyptic movies have shown us, that civilization is officially over.

So naturally, I rented it. What I saw was not what I was anticipating.

To start the movie, we are greeted by blackness. Eventually, some horrible CG shows us that we are in actuality flying through the outer reaches of space, which explains why the Big Bopper is playing on the radio. We eventually get to see the Earth. The camera stabilizes for a second, then pans over to an asteroid which destroys life as we know it.

Then the opening credits happen.

At this point I am intrigued. Will they pull a Post Impact and throw Dean Cain at me? When does the club guy come into play? Why isn’t the entire Earth coverred in ash? Why is every single actor’s name spelled in some horrible language that allows the letters V and B to be placed beside eachother? Why does the asteroid spew out lava everywhere when it hits? All things I wanted to know.

Anyways, we soon find out that, just like in all apocalyptic disasters, several humans survive and decide to evolve within a matter of a few decades into mutants. Of course, the normals hate the mutants and vie versa, and a race war is the answer. Unlike other movies though, the mutants in Dream Warrior are retarded and barely know how to use their powers. Needless to say, they are slaughtered like toddlers in a mine field laced with candy.

In the meantime, the strange town in which the story takes place is run by an old man who seems to think he’s the hand of God. Just as you would think, the citizens of the city follow this man blindly, not knowing that they are in the biggest blood-drinking, orgy-having, strange-dancing cult on the face of the planet. And the movie goes out of it’s way to show you just how culty it is, what with the several orgy scenes and the one with the goat. Jeez, the goat scene…you’ll have to watch it to get that scene…

Anyways, long story short, a guy comes, blows up some motorcycles, steals a baby, blows up the mother, kills a guy with a pipe, steals the baby again (this time from a mime), and befriends black man who also saves babies. Together, they find some river and save the day. Hooray.

Needless to say, the movie was sub-par. Upon parusing the movie’s site on imdb, I noticed that the movie was made in Brazil, which explains the abnormally high amount of in-movie commercials for bananas. It also explains why half the characters were named Paco and why there were so. many. mimes.

Now, to end this strangely, here is the announcing from the title match between Stalin and Hitler, which I wrote for some reason or another on some forum.

ANNOYING BOXING ANNOUNCER GUY: This is a battle for the ages!
GEORGE FOREMAN: I know! Doesn’t my grill rock?
ANNOYING BOXING ANNOUNCER GUY: No, it doesn’t, now stop thinking about poorly cooked meat and call the match!
GEORGE FOREMAN: Match?
ANNOYING BOXING ANNOUNCER GUY: Yes, the match. Oh, and there’s the bell! Oh my this is exciting, the corpses are ready to dance it would seem!
GEORGE FOREMAN: Aren’t they supposed to move or something? I seem to remember moving being involved.
ANNOYING BOXING ANNOUNCER GUY: The crowd is on the edge of their seats, the anticipation is phenominal! Who will attack first?!
GEORGE FOREMAN: My grill should be out there. With it’s patented design, the fat would drain directly into kicking their asses.
ANNOYING BOXING ANNOUNCER GUY: Quiet, any second now one of them could go for the knockout!
GEORGE FOREMAN: They are dead you moron!
ANNOYING BOXING ANNOUNCER GUY: THE ANTICIPATION!!!!!!
GEORGE FOREMAN: Thats’s it, I’m going to go eat some burgers. You want some?
ANNOYING BOXING ANNOUNCER GUY: Are they from your grill?
GEORGE FOREMAN: Of course. With it’s patented design you see, it can-
ANNOYING BOXING ANNOUNCER GUY: Shut up, I don’t care.
GEORGE FOREMAN: But it can literally rock your tastebuds off without even-
ANNOYING BOXING ANNOUNCER GUY: I don’t care, now shut the hell up!
GEORGE FOREMAN: But-
ANNOYING BOXING ANNOUNCER GUY: JESUS GRAVY DO YOU EVER SHUT UP?
GEORGE FOREMAN: Oh, the fights over! A double knockout! You missed it!
ANNOYING BOXING ANNOUNCER GUY: Oh my god! The two deceased opponents are lumped on the ground unconscious! And I missed it! I HATE YOU ALL!

Movies With Muscles

It has come to my attention that some of you are angry at the fact that my blog has been one dimensional so far. And I agree, me talking about movies all the time? Bah, horrid. So, I will right this travesty by mentioning the following things in this post:

• Ninjas
• Robots
• Santa
• Pirates
• Monkeys

We now return to our regularly scheduled post about movies.

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As said before, I am not really an optomist of sorts when it comes to movies, and that’s what I love. So when I got a hold of the worlds most popular movie website’s Bottom 100 list, I was ecstatic. An entire list of crap! Out of the thousands of movies ever created this website has narrowed it down to 100. Joy!

After parusing the list, I find that I have mixed feelings. Firstly, I haven’t seen a single movie on this list, which is probably a good sign. This proves once and for all that I have impeccable taste in movies. This is not troubling though, because using my awesome predictioning skills, I can basically tell what the movie will be about. For example:

15. Santa With Muscles (1996)

It is Christmas Eve and Santa is running late. Then, as he flies over the Medditeranean (just having delivered his total of four presents to the children of the Eastern hemisphere) a mysterious dust storm kicks up and he is forced to take the sled into OUTER SPACE. While there, he is bombarded with cosmic rays and attains superhuman amounts of muscle. After discovering this, he tries to pick up a house and fails. Not letting this bother him, he decides to help the world with his new-found rock hard abs. After failing to defeat a squad of space-pirates, Santa is admitted into North Pole General Hospital and Gross Yellow Candy Cane warehouse, where they discover that he actually isn’t filled with muslces, but with large tumours. He dies a few days later. The movie ends with the Space Pirates taking control of the North Pole and turning it into a 50’s diner.

Doesn’t that sound like an awesome movie? I would go out the way to make that myself, if I had someone willing to stand infront of my broken microwave for a few hours to get some nice tumours.

Speaking of total awesomness that is merely disguised as crap, the next movie in my Blind Movie’s from Blockbuster series is Godzilla Against Mechagodzilla. Here’s a review:

“Godzilla has battled some tough monsters (Rodan, King Kong, Tanya Harding) but can he defeat his toughest opponent yet? Apparantly we will never know, because Mechagodzilla is actually a 78 ft high novelty fridge made for the president of the “We Love Godzilla, Not Mothra” Fan Club. After defeating hordes of ninjas, the battle comes to a climax when the president (played by actor Danny Devito, who was not very convincing as a 78 year old Japanese man) tricks Godzilla into opening the Tupperware container in the back of the fridge, which instantly kills the large monster. Overall, a good family film.”

Sounds like a classic.

PS. Robot Monkey.

Further proof that soccer is evil.

As said in my last post (or whatever they are called in this audacious machine, I’m no blogging expert by any means yet), movies are kind of my thing. Watching movies just harbours too many things I excel at: sitting on my ass, eating copious amounts of snack foods, yelling at my Playstation, and laughing like a moron. And while this is good in its own right, it is becoming increasingly difficult to find movies worthy of true unadulterated hatred. Enter Shaolin Soccer.

From a first glance of the cover, I was optomistic. In my books, a guy kicking a ball of lava beside a chick who meditates while flying seems very promising. Then, in a blunder I won’t soon forget, I put on my reading glasses. My eyes were first drawn towards the title, Shaolin Soccer, which has the same effect on a movie that a straight jacket has on a human; you could tell there was going to be some strange things going on inside. Also, I had the unfortunate experience of reading the movie’s catch phrase “Get ready to kick some grass!” Come on, who the hell kicks grass? If I was making the movie, the slogan would be like

- “Kung fu, foot to balls style!”
- “Soccer has never been so mildly interesting!”
- “Major ass whuppin! Also, soccer!”

Well, you get the idea.

Anyways, the cover can only tell you so much. You actually have to insert the DVD into the (STUPID PIECE OF CRAP AUUUGHHH IT BIT ME!) Playstation. So I did just that, settling into my couch with a bag of Starburst (which are stupid, because they still wrap them all individually so it took me like 2 weeks to eat them all) and waited for the menu to appear. It gave us (Blaine was here as well, as he usually is when bad movies are nigh) the option of watching the movie in it’s original Hong Kong version or it’s American version. Being that I didn’t pay $4 to read a movie, poor American dubbing it was. I now regret that decision greatly, as it enabled us to actually understand every single line of tumour-inducing dialogue.

I will not bore you with the details of the movie, if you feel like taking your mental state into your own hands you can watch it yourself. All I will say is there was no kicking of wicked cool balls of lava, no meditation while flying, not even an obligatory student vs master showdown where the old man kicks some ass but eventually gets his ass beat like the children who visit my house at Halloween.

When it finally ended, I decided never to watch another Asian comedy again (I’d actually made that decision shortly after it started) , and as God as my witness, I will hold that vow to my dying day.

My rating: Pure Hatred.

BECAUSE I’M DEAN CAIN!

“Bored not is the person who stays up all night playing solitaire, but the person who watches them play.” – Ben Nicholls, age 8.

Being that I have been so profound (if not grammatically sound) for a long time now, I feel I should impart to you some knowledge about movies.

Firstly, most movies are terrible. The creation of a motion picture is just too complicated and has too many cogs, to possibly have a high success rate. Between acting, writing, directing, editing, sound, cinematography, and everything else, it’s almost impossible to make a hit. This is why I watch movies. While I do like the occasional rock-solid movie, it’s the horrid atrocities that really interest me. It’s like looking into a story written by a small child: so easy to make fun of, yet so innocently created so as to say “Hey, I tried.”

One example of this is a movie me and Blaine picked up a few days ago called Post Impact. Now, truth be told, I was not optomistic when Blaine picked it. It was like this:

Blaine: “This movie has a cool name and the cover is neat. Let’s get it.”

Me: “What’s it about?”

Blaine: “I don’t know, I didn’t read the back. Let’s get it.”

Me: “It probably sucks then! I’ve never even heard of it! Put it back!”

Blaine: “NOOOOO!!”

Me: “Fine. But I want to pick a random one too, because I can almost guarantee that that movie will be bad enough to turn the meek and sickly completely blind.”

Of course, I picked one that actually looked promising. Of course, we did not watch it. Here is my formal review of Post Impact, told as only a cynical elitist can tell it:

Post Impact (warning: spoilers) (also warning: bad movie, do not watch)

This movie, if it can be called as such, is a strange tale set 7 or 8 years in the future, 3 years after an asteroid has collided with Earth and destroyed much of civilization as we know it. That’s right, it’s set AFTER the only interesting event in the storyline. The asteroid collided (albeit deservingly) directly on Berlin, “home of coleslaw”, creating what is called in this bleek world as “The Death Zone”. Ironically, I’ve been calling Berlin that since I’ve been 7, but that’s not important.

After a few shots of Dean Cain (the world’s worst actor) walking around in the snow, we discover that he is a soldier with the association NUNS, a religious organization devoted to taking down microwave emitting sattelites. Their next mission: go to The Death Zone in a tonka truck of some sort and disable, wait for it, a micorwave sattelite. The team: The hot slutty chick, the foreign quiet chick, the hard-ass bald general who don’t take no gruff, and the heroic soldier of truth and justice, played by DEAN CAIN. Also, DEAN CAIN gets to bring along his dog, who has been named Official Mission Chef. The dog promptly eats his nametag and they set out.

At this point, the movie turns into what I believe is a screenshot movie taken by some kid playing Halo, as in this day and age no CGI team would put their real names on a movie with such bad renderings. This goes on for forty five minutes, showing the Tonka truck machine going over hills, going over exploding bridges, and running over purple aliens. Suddenly, without warning, the screen shockingly changes to DEAN CAIN’s face being worried. This goes on for 10 more minutes. They then get out of the truck.

DEAN CAIN then takes the foreign chick for a ride on his sled, which looks like a large fridge pushed onto it’s side. They ride around for a while in the snow, breaking into abandoned buildings stealing valuables. With several lamps, garden gnomes, and a matress now occupying the trunk of the sled, they go back to the Tonkamobile. They are then shot at by what we are to presume are freedom hating Germans, who destory the sled and the Tonkamobile. The gang all escape down a tube of some sort. Lucky them.

The movie then goes on for another 4 hours, detailing DEAN CAIN’s adventures in the German sewers. He shoots about 500 Germans without ever reloading his gun. I can only assume his gun can reload itself, which would fit into the movie nicely as several scenes are exclusively devoted to DEAN CAIN doing voodoo. While amusing and disturbingly educational, after the fifth human sacrifice I began to feel a tad bit queesy.

They finally reach the mastermind’s headquarters. They look into his office to discover he is an unguarded crack addict with a gun. He is promptly killed, and everyone rejoices. Some betrayals happen (ooh! unexpected!) but DEAN CAIN saves the day, managing to only get shot 6 times. He then single handedly lifts a sattelite dish (one of those big ones) onto the roof so they can tell the microwave sattelite to perform it’s true task: heating soup at the refugee camp from outer space.

The victory in hand, the scene skips to various places showing celebration. Nuns drinking, people partying, ewoks dancing, it’s a heartwarming scene. DEAN CAIN then walks through a curtain with a crown on his head, recently declared KING OF EARTH.

The End.

PS: I wasn’t paying very good attention, so this may be slightly inaccurate. But you get the idea.

Soon to come: a review of my movie, which I’m sure will be slightly better. You know why? BECAUSE I’M DEAN CAIN!