No, actually check THIS out.

After about an hour of hard thinking (which included two ice cream breaks, believe it or not), I finally remembered the password to my account on this site that tracks all my website information. I delved into my long forgotten stats, amazed by what I saw. Firstly, it would seem I have more than 3 viewers. It’s actually more like twenty. That caught me by surprise. Also, this site had over 80 hits this month. Also a shock. But it was what follows that was the most surprising.

I have this thing called “keyword analysis”. It keeps track of what keywords are used to reach my site from search engines. Observe the craziness:

Now now, I know what you’re thinking, it struck me too. While appaling in nature, I can be sure that these Dean Cain fan clubs don’t exist. In the case that I am wrong, I will take all measures to ensure their destruction. Now onto to the less pressing issue.

TANYA HARDING SEX TAPES? Okay, two questions: 1) Why did it come up with my site for this search? 2) WHO THE HELL SEARCHES FOR TANYA HARDING SEX TAPES?! This is absolutely ridiculous! And what gets me is that they actually entered my site looking for these sex tapes. These deranged lunatics, looking for loony figure skaters getting nailed on a blog about ninjas. That’s what I find hilarious.

Weirdo: Hmm.. the first 81 pages of search results didn’t show anything, but Eldor the Space Monkey has a good feeling about page 82!

Computer: Look! I have normal sites! This one is about figure skating! This one here is about self help tapes! I highly reccomend this one!

Weirdo: Ooooh! Ninjas! That sounds kinky!

Computer: I hate you so much.

Also, what the hell does “word association of ninjas against pirates” mean? Is it some psychological profiling dealy? Some kind of word game? Was he looking for Maddox perhaps? I have no clue. All I know is that whoever actually searched for that is commanded to show up at my house so I may dub him “King of the Cheese.”

See? I still do real posts sometimes.

Okay, check this out.

Maybe I’ll never die, I’ll just keep growing younger with you. Somebody forgot to say it all. Sitting on a cornflake, sleep down in the soil. Your colleagues are in prison and your enemies enraged. When the house was standing, you’d never have believed it. This is where I be, so heavenly. At 4am the sun is up. My talent feeds my darker side yet no one will complain. How can we make you understand?
Leave your number on the locker and I’ll give you a call. Either way it’s dumb, but I’ll be there. I need a little time to wake up. I’m no stranger to this place where real life and dreams collide. That’s the record! When you don’t know yourself, try to get some rest.
A million miles from here, somewhere more familiar. I tried to make you see but you don’t want to know. What would you say if I said to you “Everything changed on a New Year’s Day”? You never lose in your razorblade shoes. Tell it to your king, tell him everything you know. Now I can’t climb the stairs.

—

This was made by putting my iPod on shuffle and taking one line from each song that came up. There is one line from 26 different songs in there, try to see how many of them you can find!

Yeah yeah, I’m lazy, I know. I’ll put up a real post later.

Back in Business

Okay, I realize that I haven’t been around. Now, let’s not point fingers at who hasn’t been providing hilarious commentary for who, it’s in the past. Get over it.

Here’s a couple examples of what I spent my precious time doing while I was abandoning all my wonderful viewers. Yeah, all 3 of them.

Kung Fu Hustle – This movie, as I unfortuantely fount out AFTER I rented it, was created by the same guy that spawned Shaolin Soccer. Of course, I was mortified instantly, not only by the fact that I swore never to watch his movies again, but by the fact that my idiot friends turned on both subtitles AND voice dubbing. This made the movie even harder to understand, as the voices and the subtitles told completely different stories. One was about a fat guy who hates his wife, and the other was about gay musicians who shoot swords from their ass. How they accomplished this menagerie of idiocy is impossible to describe, you have to watch it (although that is not behaviour that I approve of).

The Ring 2 – Now, let’s re-cap on what the first movie was about: Chick dies in well, she gets pissed off because she is satan, so she decides to kill people using a videotape (apparently DVDs are beyong her supernatural range of powers.) Of course, this enrages the American title character (aptly played by some British chick) into driving to a lighthouse and throwing a rock at her. Now, as if that wasn’t stupid enough, get this: The dead chick is still kind of there. So average-American-single-mom does what anyone would do: she moves herself and her creepy bowl-cut son to some town in the middle of nowhere. This proves to be a move in futility because her son watches more TV than a casino security guard and thats where the bitch gets in. Everyone is promptly slayed. Everyone.

And now to end this virtual ambrosia with a quote:

“Coming down off the nova somewhere near the boiled egg that is the Royal Albert Hall, we watch Paul’s sun crossed with John’s star and hold ice cream hands. Someone slipped on a cassette as the one you wanted left with someone else but somehow it was cool because as the music filled the shadows, you heard a sound that was a million miles away from fakery and a step away from your heart.”

The first person to tell me where I got this gets the award of fastest googler ever. Let the games begin!