After about an hour of hard thinking (which included two ice cream breaks, believe it or not), I finally remembered the password to my account on this site that tracks all my website information. I delved into my long forgotten stats, amazed by what I saw. Firstly, it would seem I have more than 3 viewers. It’s actually more like twenty. That caught me by surprise. Also, this site had over 80 hits this month. Also a shock. But it was what follows that was the most surprising.
I have this thing called “keyword analysis”. It keeps track of what keywords are used to reach my site from search engines. Observe the craziness:
Now now, I know what you’re thinking, it struck me too. While appaling in nature, I can be sure that these Dean Cain fan clubs don’t exist. In the case that I am wrong, I will take all measures to ensure their destruction. Now onto to the less pressing issue.
TANYA HARDING SEX TAPES? Okay, two questions: 1) Why did it come up with my site for this search? 2) WHO THE HELL SEARCHES FOR TANYA HARDING SEX TAPES?! This is absolutely ridiculous! And what gets me is that they actually entered my site looking for these sex tapes. These deranged lunatics, looking for loony figure skaters getting nailed on a blog about ninjas. That’s what I find hilarious.
Weirdo: Hmm.. the first 81 pages of search results didn’t show anything, but Eldor the Space Monkey has a good feeling about page 82!
Computer: Look! I have normal sites! This one is about figure skating! This one here is about self help tapes! I highly reccomend this one!
Weirdo: Ooooh! Ninjas! That sounds kinky!
Computer: I hate you so much.
Also, what the hell does “word association of ninjas against pirates” mean? Is it some psychological profiling dealy? Some kind of word game? Was he looking for Maddox perhaps? I have no clue. All I know is that whoever actually searched for that is commanded to show up at my house so I may dub him “King of the Cheese.”
See? I still do real posts sometimes.
September 29, 2005 at 2:45 pm
Hey, what’s the URL for that website that does Keyword analysis for you? I want to try it out with my blog. Although it would probably heed results like “barely coherent idiot is allowed to make blog” … no wait, those aren’t keywords, I would need something to analzye the author…
September 30, 2005 at 11:22 pm
http://www.statcounter.com
There are limitations, but overall it is the best free one I could find on the first google search page.
Just as Grampa said, “If it isn’t on the first page, it isn’t anywhere.” Come to think of it, that’s probably why he couldn’t work his defribulator. And that’s why I’ll always mis him….
October 1, 2005 at 3:41 am
You’re really fucked up Jay, but who says it’s a bad thing.
The dialogue between the Computer and the User was GREAT!
July 16, 2006 at 8:11 am
[...] Ok, this is the thing that tells me what people are googling my site for. In more coherent words: when people type these things into google, my site pops up. Now, the astute observer will notice strange things (since when do I ever say “cummupins”? What’s a scary Skwid?). He will also notice that people are once again flocking to my blog to read about Tanya Harding just like before. Hooray I guess. But this is what infuriates me the most: [...]