Snow day?

Okay, firstly I’d like to nail something into everyone’s head: I live in Canada, so snow days are not only welcome, but expected in high quantities. Now, I’m not saying it’s anyone’s fault, but today is only the second snow day of the year and I’m pissed. Seriously, last year we had 10 by now. How am I supposed to hunt wildebeast and danger when I have to go to school every day?

Well, being that I’m not one to ask questions without giving a few potential answers, here are my thoughts on new reasons to cancel school.

Scary Day – If it is cloudy or something, or for whatever reason the sun doesnt come up all the way by 6am, school should be declared on account of it being too scary outside. Serisouly, no one is impervious to fear, and darkness is the feariest thing around. Also, Halloween should automatically be declared a Scary Day for hopefully obvious reasons.

Chosen Day – I think it would be fun if a monkey could turn a wheel every month and whatever day it lands on gets to be a “Chosen Day”. On that day, there will be no school, no work, no anbything except parties. Wait… no work, except for the brothels. Yeah. Brothels and parties. Go monkeys!

Space Day – If I look out the window and cannot be 100% visually sure that there is a breathable atmosphere still clinging to the Earth, I want it declared a Space Day, because you can never be too careful with something as lethal as Space.

Old People Day – In my town, every Wednesday has been unofficially declared “Old People Day” because all the old age homes unlock the doors and let them recklessly roam the streets. I think that on these days, we shouldnt have to go to school to minimize the possibility of having to come in contact with one. You think I’m exagerrating? A random old lady I passed on the street once asked me “Sonny, you wanna scrape my toasts?” Simply horrifying. In fact, these days can almost be called Scary Days.

Ham Day – Anytime I feel like eating ham, no school. Period.

Don’t get me wrong, I love school. I just think that 35 hours a week is about 30 hours too many.

Another Recipe

Okay, this one is for the men out there who love meat. And by meat, I mean the meatiest of meat; not that processed crap. Naw, I’m talking like live cows and muated pigs that grow limbs made of bacon. Onwards!

A Thing that is Almost Unquestionably Meatloaf

Preparation Time: 40 of them
Recovery time: 40 more of them. (if you’re lucky)

Ingredients:

meat
a hammer
a hammer-proof pan
a picture of Chef Boyardee
a bread
seasonings (you know, like oregano or oatmeal)
heat source (ex. stove, barbeque, the sun)
more meat

Firstly, put the meat and the more meat in your pan. Then, hammer the meat for half an hour. If the meat has acheived a texture like that of mashed potatoes, you have succeeded in doing this step. If not, you will be punished by having to eat all of the meat.

For those that succeeded (and those who didn’t die from eating all of that uncooked meat), now is the fun part. Mold the “meat” into a loaf. You can use a bread as a model, as most breads come in loaves. Once your pile of gellatinous meat has acheived a loaf-like form, it is ready for the seasonings.

For those who are incompetent, a seasoning is just a food that is too small to eat on its own. Things like pepper, oregano, or red blood cells are good examples, but find your own seasonings to truly customize your dish. Once the meat is completely covered in seasonings, throw it in the oven (or whatever heat source you’ve acquired).

Set up your picture of Chef Boyardee so it is facing the meat as it cooks. This way you don’t have to worry about it burning, because it is a proven fact that nothing bad can happen in the presence of Chef Boyardee.

Return to your meat whenever you want, and voila! Perfect meatloaf!

Serves four.

Recipes for the Lazy Houseperson

Here’s a recipe for you people who don’t feel like cooking a GLORIOUS, GLORIOUS HAM for lunch. It’s done me well, and I’m sure you won’t get ulcers either, even if you try it! Well, here we goes:

ANYTHING SALAD

Preparation time: Varies from 29 seconds to 8 years.

Ingredients:

Salad Bowl
Those big-ass spoon things they use in salad
Lettuce (or spinach, if you are Popeye or Popeye-related)
Anything
Blender?

Directions:

Mix the Salad Bowl, the lettuce, and the spoons together for several minutes. When completed, you should have a bowl of lettuce with two spoon-things in it. If you instead have a pile of lettuce on the floor and a small child with the spoons impaled into his eyes, discountinue use of anything pointy.

Take the bowl of lettuce and add the anything to it. Incase the anything is too large for your bowl, insert your own hand into the blender, as punishment for your insolence.

Microwave for several hours, if needed. You can also add a little salt or something, for flavour. Enjoy!

So okay, guys.

Guys, I must direct you to something awesome. It’s called File Swap and it does just what any diot would think it does. You upload a file to their servers, and you get a random one in exchange. Of course, only good files are allowed to be uploaded. That’s why I get stuff like this:

File named “Tom Cruise at the Beach.jpg”
And this gem:

File named “FatBeardyBeard.jpg”

It’s not a perfect system (I’ve even gotten porn a few times, which is… uhh.. horrible, sure), but it’s still pretty neat. One problem though: due to certain limitations I’m been disallowed to upload my home made movie entitled “16 hours of Ham, Ham, Glorious Ham!”

By the way, if you guys are using it and you get pictures of George Bush’s head photoshopped onto Jabba the Hutt’s body, them’s mine, pardner.