Mailcube.

Yes, you read that right. Screw mailbags, I GET MY FUCKING MAIL IN A CUBE.

Mail transportation solutions aside… I actualy get fanmail! Oh, how it fills me with joy every time I get an e-mail from an adouring fan. I thought perhaps I’d share them with you, and perhaps answer some questions for those who took the time to write. (By the by, I’m not posting email addresses and such. Yeah.)

EMAIL 1:

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hey ben. i like yur site. i dont like chinese movies ether! also, [CENSORED, TO SEXY FOR THE INTERNET] and then i had to clean it up. is that bad?
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RESPONDED:

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Hey, thanks for the compliment. just for your information, Chinese cinema actual kicks a lot of ass, I just don’t like Steven Chow. Although I did actually watch Kung-Fu hustle twice. So that might be saying something.

Also, in answer to your question, it’s perfectly normal for you to [CENSORED, CHESTER], and it would be completely reasonable if you [CENSORED, BACK OFF JACK], even in the kitchen.

I eagerly await a response, preferrably with pictures.
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EMAIL 2:

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Yur a loser, u only hat Dean Cain becuz hes better then you Dean Cain is the best acterand he could kick your ass!!!!
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RESPONDORED:

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Wow, I didn’t know it, but I guess they must have made keyboards with braille on them, because YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY BLIND. Go you, fight those odds or whatever.
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Email 3:

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Hello from YouSendIt,

You have a file named “02 – remember the name (featuring styles of beyond).mp3″ (5405 KB) waiting for download.

Message:

IS MUSICS!
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RESONDED:

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Musics eh? Hmm, well this sounds absolutely perfect for everythi- NOT! You can try to trick me all you want, I know about your tricks. There are probably icky things behind that link. Bad things. Keep your disgusting internet paws off of me!
—

Okay, so my mail isn’t acually all that great. Maybe you could spruce it up, and ake it on…. THE MAILCUBE.

(SMOKE.)

Time Away

Okay, just like the countless times before, I’ve neglected to update my little “blog” on the internets. And I get asked all the time, “Ben, how could you possibly deprive your readers of the one-seven minutes of joy every other morning that they look forward too? How could you strip away their souls as such?” Well, it’s actually easier than you think! I’ll tell you some of the reasons why:

The Consortium – For those of you who are incapable of turning your head slightly to the right, I’d like to take this time to tell you that I have another website. That’s right, a website. With contents. What’s more, I actually redesigned the whole entire thing. Well, kind of. I didn’t really do any actual coding, I just found one of my old leather belts and whipped this asian kid for two hours. The next thing I knew, the kid was dead, and my website was on the screen. In any case, I am now forced, by the cosmic powers of the universe to write content for it. I also have to continue finding asian kids to “help” me update the fucker. And that’s tiring.

Dream Theater – Okay, I have this friend. You might know him as Keith, or in other circles prisoner #582931. And at some points, he won’t shut up about this band. At first, I thought he made them up. His stories were ridiculous: people being paid to physically tackle the lead vocalist off the stage during their shows, 45 minute bass solos, biting off a fucking bat’s head; I seriously considered phoning a priest. But then I listened to them… and they are amazing. They have this album, right, and it’sa giant 80 minute story about some chick getting murdered and such. And it embodies qite basically every single awesome genre of music: rock, metal, techno, polka, it’s got it all. They have 25 minutes songs. They have 13 minute instrumentals. They have RAGTIME SOLOS. Seriously, go be checking them out.

Martial Arts – Okay, so I can’t actually do martial arts. But I did kick a hobo. And not in the normal way I kick hobos. Get this: there’s this alleyway I take to get to school. Unfortunately, they decide to plow it into a giant snow mountain that blocks the end. So you have to climb this snow mountain to get to the other side. No probalo you say? Well what if there is a mysterious smokinghobo that awaits you on the other side EVERY MORNING?! Yeah, terrifying isnt it? SO I did what any rational person would do: I jumped from the top of the mountain and kicked him right in the face. And killed him. Yeah. With the kick. Death and all. Okay, that’s a lie. But I did land really close to him and freak him out. And he wasnt there the next morning. So I can only assume he died of “post-terror syndrome”. Yeah.

So the next time you whine about your pathetic psychological addiction to my words and internet abilities, think to yourself, “what amazing adventures is he having that could possibly deter his updates?” And then smile, knowing that my life is more exciting than yours, and that you will always have that to look up to.

And now, a random quote:

“Wherefore the fathers of infintiy dance in the moonight, a great beyond within the outlandish realm of impossibility; they dance for our freedom, and the ones beneath snicker at their footsteps.”