The Many Adventures of Tony Danza

Tony Danza does many things. This is but one of them.

Coffee House

Okay persons, welcome back. Or whatever.

At my school, we have these things called COFFEE HOUSES and they exist for the sole purpose of letting hicky weirdos to sing country and metal songs poorly infront of a large audience. Now, while this sounds like a prime opportunity for a SCATHING REVIEW, I actually went for the enjoyment of it because it’s in fact not all bad.

The Ups

• A band, aptly named ‘The Bayfield Girls and Bob’ or something similarly well thought out, did a decent job of “Come Together” by The Beatles.
• One band was accompanied by a chubby kid expertly playing the “guitar”.
• One guy wore a Radiohead shirt. That is awesome.
• The tables were covered with heavy paper and crayons were provided. Naturally, a lot of drawings of Stalin arm-wrestling with Mother Teresa for the title of “Bitchinest Anyone Ever” appeared on my table.

The Downs

• Simon
• Not a sinlge person said the word “bollocks”.
• One band smelled bad.
• Garfunkel
• The candle that adourned our table kept burning me.
• Very very very little Bowie content.
• Garfunkel played the “giant, earth swallowing drum”.
• All of my attempts to “grab fire” failed.
• The coffee was sub-par.
• One band felt the need to do their hard-rock rendition of James Blunt’s “You’re Beautiful”, even though no one asked me if I wanted to hear it. Needless to say, I didn’t.
• The paramedics took too long.

So, all in all, I give it my third lowest rating: 2 out of 5. (For a description of my rating system, go HERE)

Hey Nerds!

TEST THY NERD KNOWLEDGE, WEAK, PATHETIC MORTALS!

Seriously, some guy who probably doesn’t pray to Baldy at all made this test HERE. It gives you a word and you must choose whether it is an internet term, or a Star Wars character. Then, it gives you a score and insults you. Now now, before you run to your encyclodecks and your holopedias and your 4th edition Star Trek Enterprise Fleet Manual, I beckon that you try this unassisted. I want to know just how much time you actually spend on the compubox.

Remember, if you do badly, you’re stupid. If you do good, you’re a big nerd and no one loves you. CHOOSE CARFULLY, MEATBAG.

(I got 31.)

A New Era

Okay, an intro of sorts I believe is due here. I know, I know, you already probably know of my many exploits (The Eiffel Tower and the creation of the element Hydrogen come to mind) but please, some people are slow and unresourceful, let them catch up.

My name is Benjamin Nicholls. I have three doctorates, all of them in Baldyology. What this means will become clear later. Anyways, let’s see…. I’m 11 feet tall, made of solid gold, and I can run faster than the Superman, Batman, and Wilt Chamberlain COMBINED. I can will matter into existence, I once threw up a small European country, and I like toast. I also invented the accordion, but they simplified my design by taking al the ammo chambers and fusion reactors off of it, thereby crippling its true use.

So, now that you know a little about me, I’m going to tell you a little about you. Oh, that’s right, I do market research on my main audience, and I know whos reading my blog. Here’s what my research has brought up:

• There is a 81% chance that you are overweight by at least 40 pounds.
• There is a 2% chance you haven’t showered in the last fifteen hours.
• There is a 19% chance that you are using this blog as a tool in your quest for basic literacy.
• There is a 41% chance that you will die of a malignant tumour.
• There is a 0.0001% chance that you will die of a malignant tumour being thrown at you.
• I am your father.

In any case, just so you know, this blog will contain just general musings and such I find/invent. Prepare yourself by closing all open vents coming out of your computer, because I may be sending you airborne viruses with my mad rhymes. Seriously, I don’t want anyone getting hurt. (If you do get hurt though, send me pictures.)

Praise Baldy, and goodnight.