It’s like anime, only without the subtitles.

Okay, before we dive headfirst into the rock-solid ruby-encrusted titanium statue of me that this blog represents, I have one thing to say: ROT IN HELL, EVERYONE ELSE! I HAVE FOUND A NEW GOD!

That having been said, we shall move on to..

BEN’S BI-WHENEVERLY ANIME REVIEW: Insterstella 5555

Now, I know what you’re all thinking. “Ben, anime is for losers! Ben, anime is in different languages, I thought you hated other languages! Ben, anime smells funny!” WELL FOR GOD’S SAKE LET ME EXPLAIN MYSELF YOU WHORES. Anime is like one of those boxes of chocolate your grandmother gives you at Christmas. It may say that it is from Switzervania or The Netherworld (or wherever fancy chocolate comes from), but deep down inside it’s all just chocolate and you’ll end up throwing it out anyways. What I mean is that the packaging and presentation may be different, but in the end, it’s all the same crap.

BUT WAIT, SHOCKING TWIST! This movie is awesome. I don’t usually say this, but those who have an opinion about this movie other than “it is better than air and water COMBINED” is stone cold wrong. That said, we move onto the thing where I ruin the entire plot for you.

Firstly, I must explain what makes this movie special. You see, there is this French band (or whatever) called Daft Punk, and they make the House music. But it’s not exactly house music. It’s different somehow. Don’t ask me why, I’m not a techno specialist, all I know is that I listen to these guys religiously but I wouldn’t touch the rest of House music with a 12-foot clown pole. In any case, Daft Punk, being as awesome as they are, decide to make the worlds first animated House musical. It is exactly how it sounds. It is anime. It is a musical. Essentially, it is 65 minutes of carefully chosen and beautifully created music accompanied by 65 minutes of awesome animation that tells a funktastically interstellar story.

This story begins on some planet where blue people live (see above). On this planet live a band of four (see above, again, if you like), and they are essentially the greatest band in the universe. So naturally, during one of their performances, a hyperspace-travelling lunatic band manager kidnaps them and turns them into humans so he can use them to get the last gold record he needs to power his conquest-of-the-universe machine he built in his volcano. Of course though, a man who flys a giant guitar-shaped spacehsip chases after them and saves the day.

Or something like that. To tell you the truth, I didn’t pay very good attention because I was thinking about Transformers the whole time. Anyways, I can say this: there is absolutely everything you could want in this movie. Action, mystery, covert operations, a gay fashion guy, conquest-of-the-universe machines that, once again, I stress are POWERED BY GOLD RECORDS, and even a love song. Don’t believe me?

Anyways, this movie gets my total approval. My rating? 40 STARS UP.

PS. For those who aren’t convinced that they should immediately bow to their new electronica masters, feast your eyes upon their mighty visage:

That’s right. Thye are robots. All the time. And yes, those ARE working LCD screens embedded into their hetmets. And yes, they DO display words and things, like, all the time.

‘Nuff said.

Mean People Hurt my Feelings

I sat down at my computer tonight and, as I always do, inflated my ego by checking the neat traffic monitor that wordpress gives you. It is growing steadily, I will have you know, which is good. That is not the focus of this writing though. The real focus is this:

Ok, this is the thing that tells me what people are googling my site for. In more coherent words: when people type these things into google, my site pops up. Now, the astute observer will notice strange things (since when do I ever say “cummupins”? What’s a scary Skwid?). He will also notice that people are once again flocking to my blog to read about Tanya Harding just like before. Hooray I guess. But this is what infuriates me the most:

I DO NOT EAT A LOT.

Seriously, anyone that knows me knows that I subsists on a small, high calorie diet. It consists of the following, each and every day:

1 Sandwich
4-10 marshmellows
Random cheese
5-10 freezies
A sub from Subway
A bag of free penny candy from the local convenience store (which after tonight I may not be allowed back to)
Lots of water

THAT IS NOT A LOT. That is less than most people with their fancy schmancy “three meals a day” and their “I eat over the whole day” and their “my fridge has food in it sometimes”. Screw them, and screw you, stop calling me fat.

Good news though, googling my name brings up this blog as hit number 10 on Google. Try it yourself.

Good Show

I’d just like to say that whoever left “The Architect Speech” as a comment on my blog should get in touch with me via email or letter or hurled-brick or whatever. I want to meet you.

Pure gold I say.

Actual update coming later tonight as I think of things that rhyme with “Pelvic Thrust”.

Yet Another Country That Hates Me

NEWSFLASH: Denmark, or where ever this guy is from, is trying to launch a full scale tactical assault upon my blog!

FOR THE HORDE!

Well, luckily for me, that only involved a small post on the website which, according to my connections in Denmark, details how I am stupid and a big stupid-head.

Ouch. A direct hit right in the honour. We can’t take much more captain! We’re down to auxilliary honour!

Well, in an attempt to leave this gross misunderstanding behind IN THE PAST, I am going to be the bigger person and just let this slide. Yeah, that’s right, I am going to let Denmark win this one. Why? Well, for several well-founded reasons:

1) My mighty ego is protected by an aura of chivalry. I open doors for people, I pull out the lady’s chair for her, I resist the sins of the common folk.
2) According to Babelfish, in their post they spelled most of their words wrong, thereby severely lessening the amount of insult they can possibly be dealing out.
3) It’s Denmark (I think). Give them a break.

Okay, now that we’re friends again, lets have a big party. I’ll bring dip.

The Worst Button in the World.

Okay, so it’s about 3 am last night. I am bored. All my jerk friends have alibis and won’t talk to me on MSN (stop it, I’m trying to sleep) and my collection of DVDs is out of arms reach, so I can’t find solace in the adventures of Chuck Norris or Bill Murray. Guh. I then think to myself “Hey, my blog is super great. Maybe there are other great blogs that I can find enjoyment from.” This, as it turns out, was a very poorly thought-out thought.

You see, for some reason I have this button on my blog that says “Next Blog”. Now now, you may not be able to see it, but trust me, it’s there. That is what I clicked. This is what I found:

Techknowledgy

Okay, here’s is an example of someone who needs to be hit by one of them runaway boulders like in Indiana Jones. Firstly, techknowledgy?!?! What kind of message are you sending when you force your readers to spend 30 seconds analyzing your name just to realize you suck at word play? After cursing this blog with the powers granted to me by the almighty Baal, I realized this blog-owner’s deficiency: he’s a foreigner. From what I can understand, Microsoft is sueing Windows, and windows has the genuine advantage. Bah, useless, if you’re going to come onto our internet, learn to speak our language.

My rating? Negative 8 pies.

PROMPT

From what I can tell by glancing at the front page, this blog is devoted to something that has downtime. Also, it has a “focus motor”, which means that the machine (whatever it is) has eyes. Now, this may be a shot in the dark, but I believe that PROMPT is a large robot capable of large amounts of carnage and death. What does PROMPT stand for? Easy, it stands for Personal Robot for Obliterating Many People’s Things.

My rating? Plus 6 pies

Se Dagen Vakna

Okay, another foreigner. No problem though, I used to be able to read Danish, so all is not lost. It says something about… ponies… hungry…. spandex…. uhh.. something about a large man who roams the countryside eating livestock. Thats it. Okay, so maybe it isn’t. But look at this, if this doesn’t say it all, I don’t know what does.

My rating? Negative 13 pies

I decided to stop after that, the prospect of Strumthos, the Danish spandex man whom devours cows and horses in single bites was simply too terrifying to bear. Worst button in the world.

Ben’s Supa-Fancy CD Review 1

A new addition to the View from the Top lineup shall be CD reviews. Why, you ask? BECAUSE I AM NEPTUNE, GOD OF THE OCEANS, SMITER OF KRAKKENS, AND I DECREE IT SO! Anyways, here we go:

Prozzak: Cruel Cruel World

Now, before you flay me with your harsh harsh words, let me just justify this for one second. I used to like Prozzak. Strange Disease? Awesome song. Very catchy. Thing is though, that was several years ago. You know, like, when Strange Disease came out I guess. Whatever. Anyways, So I’m in Walmart the other day when I spy this on the shelf on sale for like, ten bucks. I thought to myself “Hey, that’s those guys what I used to like. I wanty!” Two pilfering attempts and a small fine later, and I had me a copy.

So it’s like this: it’s actually pretty good. The first song? Very catchy, an awesome.. uhh.. you know, like, melody or riff or whatever. I don’t know music terms. All I know is that I like it. Anyways, the next song also is listenable. Very cool. The third song though is where it gets interesting. They completely switch styles and do a flawless cover of “More than a Feeling” by Boston. And when I say flawless, I mean FLAWLESS. Like, I couldn’t tell the difference between it and the original. Anyways, the next song is the classic track “Peace of Mind”, also a true Boston classic. The rest of the CD is a glorious compendium of their best songs, comprising of some of the best music from the seventies and eighties. Very cool.

I give “Boston: Greatest Hits” Eight stars up.