Just incase you don’t actually know me, I work at a Subway. And I don’t mean the cool kind of Subway with the train and the tunnels and the hobos. I mean the one with the sandwiches. And the hobos. Now, before you load your Inept Fast Food Service Worker Insult Gun (patent pending), consider these critical reasons\excuses:
- My town has approximately 8 places where they employ people
- I’m not an indian, therefore disallowing me to sell smokes to people
- The work is insanely easy
- I enjoy free food.
There is a downside though: my job involves me having to deal with people. And, being that Subway employs one of the most retarded ad campaigns on the planet, the majority of the people I have to deal with are complete morons.
I suppose it is important to tell you of the area in which I live. Put simply, it is a rural area. This means that 93% of the people who live within 5 kilometers of me drive a tractor around as their job. Now, scientific studies have shown that you need an IQ of 51 to drive a tractor. This means that virtually no one in my county decides to finish (or in some cases, enter) high school, so now I have to take orders from people who think tomatoes are called red roundies.
Some people I serve are so intensely stupid that I have trouble figuring out how they manage to keep from eating rocks and sand. Unfortunately though, certain chapters in the Subway Rulebook prohibit me from using a stale loaf of bread as a makeshift cudgel and forcibly removing morons from the premises. So, in an attempt to educate and inform, I present yet another guide in my Best Selling series of Guides, which also includes: Ben’s Handy Dandy Guide to Funding Your Space Program, Ben’s Handy Dandy Guide to Battling Butt Cancer, and Ben’s Handy Dandy Guide to Licking Hobos: The Do’s and Don’ts!
Ben’s Handy Dandy Guide to Ordering a Sandwich Without Sparking My Eternal Rage
Chapter One: Eight Easy Tips!
1) Our selection of breads is clearly shown using a giant sticker. In case you are blind and have somehow overlooked it, they include: Italian (or White), Whole Wheat (or Brown), Italian Herbs and Cheese, Parmesan Oregano, and Honey Oat.
We do NOT have: Wheaty Italian, Premio Original, The Crusty Bread, or Dough Bread (whatever that means). Read the sticker, morons.
2) The bread takes an hour to rise and 15 minutes to bake. Do not ask me to cook a fresh bun for you. (When I told the lady I wouldn’t do it, she left, then phoned me saying “I’m going to be back in 2 hours, can you bake me one for then?” I told her I would. When she came back, I told her she was late so I ate the bun. Naturally, she threw a full can of coke at me and left. Hey, free coke!)
3) A simple glance downwards at the ingredients will inform you that we have 4 different kinds of cheese. They are easy to tell apart. They are all different colours. One of them even comes shredded in a cup. So when I ask “What kind of cheese do you want?” do not say “Both”.
4) If you say “I want everything” and then go out to your car for 20 minutes, you can’t yell at me later for putting on every single sauce we have. Take 30 seconds out of your life and actually tell me what you want. Also, dont make me wait to ring you in for 20 minutes. If you do, your sub will invariably be used to kill flies.
5) We DO NOT have the following vegetables: cabbage, purple peppers, hot onions, greencumbers, potatoes, old cucumbers (referring to the pickles), or red roundies. Learn the names of simple vegetables before ordering them.
6) Do NOT order smokes with your sub. We are a SUB SHOP, and a proactive contributor to the retarded health food craze. We do not sell cigarettes.
7) You do not need to point at the ingredients as you say them. I work here, I know where they are.
Do not send in your six year old son to order an entire family’s food from memory. If you for some reason do, do not phone me four hours later to complain about how all your subs were microwaved tuna smothered in pizza sauce and ketchup.
If you follow these simple rules, you will receive an absolutely delicious sub from a smiling, happy Sandwich Artist. Otherwise, I will be forced to show you why they call it a “sneeze guard” instead of a “knife guard”.
You have been warned.
Chapter Two
Give me money.
As a footnote, I would like to add that everything mentioned in this post I have actually heard or witnessed while working. No exaggerations, this stuff basically writes itself. Riding on the coat tails of other’s stupidity… I now see why Bill Engvall has a career.
August 10, 2006 at 4:46 pm
This was fucking hilarious, thank you.
The post below it as well.
August 14, 2006 at 9:14 am
Yet another successful Handy Dandy Guide.