A Job Interview? For me?

Yesterday I applied for a job at the local convenience store. “But Ben,” astute readers will exclaim, “don’t you already have a hilarious job?” Of course I do. But we all need a little change here and there. Also, I hear from a friend that an old lady fell down at Mac’s the other day and couldn’t get up, and that is just awesome.

In going though with this, I realized several things:

1) Apparantly I think Jack Handy quotes are more important than my resume, because that’s exactly what the file entitled “resume.wpd” on my computer contained.
2) I have no skills or interests that apply to the convenience store environment that don’t have something to do with laughing at the elderly.
3) Job interviews are annoying and I never want to do one again.

You see, I went up there with my resume thinking the manager would simply see the name and go “Ben Nicholls? Aren’t you that guy that keeps stealing things and making complex structures out of the unsold VHS tapes of Ninja Turtles 3? I’m just going to file that resume under B, for BURN!” So it took me completely by surprise when the manager brought me back into the ‘Employees Only’ area and began flinging questions at me.

—

“Why do you want to work here at Mac’s?”

Uhh.. well, you see, I live next door to the Lawn Bowling centre, so I can just look out my window and see these old people, right? And they, like, have these white outfits that they wear and they’re all like “stop watching us!” and I’m all like “GO STEELERS!” and then I run away. Anyways, the Lawn Bowling season is almost over and I heard that old people like to buy lottery tickets from here.

…

I need the cash. Next question.

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Not here! Hahahah-that’s not funny. Uhh… well, that’s kind of hard to say. Well, if I had to choose, I’d have to say… Morocco. Yeah, Morocco. That’s where the money is. “First, you get the money. Then you get the power.” That’s my motto. By the way, how much money do you keep in the till here? A hundred? Fifty? I’m just curious, is all.

“What would you say is your biggest weakness?”

Oooh, that’s a toughie. Uhh… hmm. It would probably be my crippling, insatiable need for the blood of th- no, that’s not it. It would probably be that I can’t bake a cake. It always burns the edges, and then there’s like, chunky stuff in it, and the other people are like “Ben, your cake tastes like liver!” and then I tell them why it tastes like liver, and then they vomit, and I am the one that has to clean it up. Can you believe that?

“We’ll be in touch.”

—

Let’s hope I got the job.

(I did not make this graphic, this is from spacebar.com or something. Google found it, never you mind.)