Yet Another Recipe for the Lazy Houseperson

This recipe comes from the 41 hours I logged in Adobe Cooking Simulator 5.0 Professional Edition, and the program no longer gives it a score of “HORRIFYING ATROCITY”. So, let me introduce a yummy treat that might be able to get you off work!

Almost a Cake

Preparation Time: 952 parsecs
Time it took for the Millenium Falcom to complete the Kessel run: many, many less parsecs (presented for comparison purposes)

Ingredients:

Eggs
Bucket
A Box of that Cake Mix Stuff
Oil
A Big Ol’ Soon
A Stove
Various Bowls and Pans

First, preheat the stove. It doesnt matter what temperature you put it at, just make sure it’s hotter than what your toaster could do because if we could use that amount of heat, we would cook the cake in the much-easier-to-use toaster. After doing this, put the “oil” (interpret this ingredient however you want) on the pans and bowls and stuff, so the cake doesn’t stick to it when it burns in the oven.

Now, open the cake mix. See that brown powder-type stuff that is supposedly supposed to make your cake? Throw it out. I say this with the most seriousest of faces, like the one that a person would do while announcing that the Colonel’s plane had been shot down over the Sea of Japan*. This is because, as hypothesized by the entirety of science itself, pre-packaged cake mix is actually fairy shit. If your cake mix is chocolate, then it was shat out by negro fairies. I kid you not. And while the cake will still be delicious if you use it, come on. Think about your reputation. Judd Nelson might come up to you some day and be like “Hey, do you eat shit?” and you’ll say no, and then he’ll say “Oh yeah!? Well I saw you eat that cake once!”

And you won’t be able to say a single, goddamn thing.

So out with the cake mix. We WILL be using the box the cake mix came in though, because it probably has a picture of a good cake on it, and it will give you something to shoot for.

Now, take your bucket (which, if you’ve been following the instructions, should be slathered in about a gallon of motor oil), and travel to the nearest tropcal paradise. There, you will find chocolate trees, which produce chocolate seeds. Pick approximately 1 million of these seeds and crush them with your manly hands until they resemble the powdery cake mix you threw out in fear of Judd Nelson’s scathing insults. Voila, cake mix.

They look gross, but these are actually chocolate seeds.

Note: if you were hoping to make a non-chocolate cake, you are out of luck, because real men eat chocolate, motherfucker.

Now that you have your cake mix, mix it with the eggs, and more of the oil apparantly. Pour this gross looking monstrosity of a liquid into a pan and insert it into the oven to cook for a while. I didn’t time mine, it might have taken an hour. Maybe. Just look at the cake box and compare.

Once done cooking, be sure to allow 15 to 20 seconds to cool. If you are successful, you should have a delicious, non-poison cake. Bon appetit!

You did it!