Hot Jupiters, Batman! Bargains, straight ahead!

So it was Sunday, and I was trying to decide what to do. My options were three-fold what they usually were — 1) sleep more or 2) eat and then sleep more — because I had some extra revenue from some well placed bets at the Hobo Wrestling Circuit the night earlier (I guess I was the only one who saw that Skinny Ol’ Man Douglas had a knife). And then I get a call from my friend Sam. “Hey,” he says, “the next town up is having a huge yard sale type thing, lets go get some serious swag.”

I checked around for a few moments, and replied “Yeah, I definately don’t have enough swag. I’m in.”

Yard sales, for those of you who don’t like having money and therefore go to actual stores to buy your goods, are places where people take all the stuff they dont use anymore and throw it on their lawn so other people can take it. This is awesome for 2 reasons. 1) You find the weirdest junk, and 2) Usually the people are buried waste-high in useless garbage so they can’t run after you when you steal their good stuff.

Hence, I acquire these items:

Picture of an Awesome Boat – This picture is 3 ft tall and 2 feet wide and comes with a frame and everything. It depicts an awesome pirate ship or some jazz to that extent, and even has a little water damage for character.

Classics Illustrated – These are the same comics used by comedic legend Jay Pinkerton to make hilarious spoofs of old stories. (If you have not read the Duke of Conte Fisto, you have not yet truly seen the internet). I was lucky enough to chance upon a copy of “20 000 Leagues Under the Sea” and “The Mysterious Island”, both of which are displayed in glorious sixties-o-vision. Seriously, these are dated and fucking hilarious.

An Awsome Cane – It’s a stick, carved up so that it has a handle. I now use it to turn on my bedroom light from my computer chair. Efficiency at its finest!

A Scanner – If anyone out there knows how to get an Epson Perfection 1250 scanner working under Windows Vista, email me. Seriously, I have pictures of boobs and Zeus and stuff I want to scan in and this whole driver shit is keeping me from doing it.

Various Medias(?) – I got various CDs, including the album East, by New Age Jazz Fusing something group Hiroshima. I also found UHF, the Weird Al movie, on VHS.

Thats about it. I also got a bunch of pins, the best of which says “Eato Bandito” on it, but those will be for later maybe.

All the Kreditkardens you Could Ever Want

Today I was lucky enough to have a long-time reader, “rtryurhs5″, leave a nice heartwarming comment on a two week old post about techno-robots. It read as follows:

Here are some links that I believe will be interested.

(Please note that the above link leads to the Ninja Turles website; the original comment’s link wasn’t nearly as awesome.)

Now this is my kind of guy. He’s been kind enough to let me view his list of “interested links”. I can’t help but think that I’m moving up in the internet world. First those guys email me to inform me of massive savings at the “dick enlargement super palace” (which unfortunately I could not take advantage of due to a scheduling conflict), and now a faithful Reader From the Top gives me the key to his prized collection of links. What an honour!

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Eager to find out what these links are interested in, I clicked away. It took me to a website whos url, from all I could tell, was printed in that language that those African Tribespeople use. You know, the one where all the do is click and cluck at eachother. This aside, my browser had no problems telling me it was “Load page”, and the bottom bar of my browser told me it was delightfully executing some scripts or something. It then relocated me to lycos, opened up to a search for “kreditkarden”. “Why didn’t I think of this before?” I thought aloud, my amazement only trumped by my apparant stupidity, “I could just search Lycos for all the german credit cards I could ever need! And to think I’ve been going around finding german people and stealing their wallets like a moron.”

Shown: Germans
Not shown: Me, stealing their bulging kreditkarden-filled wallets.

In closing, thanks rtryurhs5. It’s a pity you didn’t leave your email address, I have no way of paying you back. Looks like I’ll have to keep all of my cialis and degrees that I earned at home to myself. Your loss I guess.

The Worst Button in the World.

Okay, so it’s about 3 am last night. I am bored. All my jerk friends have alibis and won’t talk to me on MSN (stop it, I’m trying to sleep) and my collection of DVDs is out of arms reach, so I can’t find solace in the adventures of Chuck Norris or Bill Murray. Guh. I then think to myself “Hey, my blog is super great. Maybe there are other great blogs that I can find enjoyment from.” This, as it turns out, was a very poorly thought-out thought.

You see, for some reason I have this button on my blog that says “Next Blog”. Now now, you may not be able to see it, but trust me, it’s there. That is what I clicked. This is what I found:

Techknowledgy

Okay, here’s is an example of someone who needs to be hit by one of them runaway boulders like in Indiana Jones. Firstly, techknowledgy?!?! What kind of message are you sending when you force your readers to spend 30 seconds analyzing your name just to realize you suck at word play? After cursing this blog with the powers granted to me by the almighty Baal, I realized this blog-owner’s deficiency: he’s a foreigner. From what I can understand, Microsoft is sueing Windows, and windows has the genuine advantage. Bah, useless, if you’re going to come onto our internet, learn to speak our language.

My rating? Negative 8 pies.

PROMPT

From what I can tell by glancing at the front page, this blog is devoted to something that has downtime. Also, it has a “focus motor”, which means that the machine (whatever it is) has eyes. Now, this may be a shot in the dark, but I believe that PROMPT is a large robot capable of large amounts of carnage and death. What does PROMPT stand for? Easy, it stands for Personal Robot for Obliterating Many People’s Things.

My rating? Plus 6 pies

Se Dagen Vakna

Okay, another foreigner. No problem though, I used to be able to read Danish, so all is not lost. It says something about… ponies… hungry…. spandex…. uhh.. something about a large man who roams the countryside eating livestock. Thats it. Okay, so maybe it isn’t. But look at this, if this doesn’t say it all, I don’t know what does.

My rating? Negative 13 pies

I decided to stop after that, the prospect of Strumthos, the Danish spandex man whom devours cows and horses in single bites was simply too terrifying to bear. Worst button in the world.

Hey Nerds!

TEST THY NERD KNOWLEDGE, WEAK, PATHETIC MORTALS!

Seriously, some guy who probably doesn’t pray to Baldy at all made this test HERE. It gives you a word and you must choose whether it is an internet term, or a Star Wars character. Then, it gives you a score and insults you. Now now, before you run to your encyclodecks and your holopedias and your 4th edition Star Trek Enterprise Fleet Manual, I beckon that you try this unassisted. I want to know just how much time you actually spend on the compubox.

Remember, if you do badly, you’re stupid. If you do good, you’re a big nerd and no one loves you. CHOOSE CARFULLY, MEATBAG.

(I got 31.)