Ben’s Supa-Fancy CD Review 1

A new addition to the View from the Top lineup shall be CD reviews. Why, you ask? BECAUSE I AM NEPTUNE, GOD OF THE OCEANS, SMITER OF KRAKKENS, AND I DECREE IT SO! Anyways, here we go:

Prozzak: Cruel Cruel World

Now, before you flay me with your harsh harsh words, let me just justify this for one second. I used to like Prozzak. Strange Disease? Awesome song. Very catchy. Thing is though, that was several years ago. You know, like, when Strange Disease came out I guess. Whatever. Anyways, So I’m in Walmart the other day when I spy this on the shelf on sale for like, ten bucks. I thought to myself “Hey, that’s those guys what I used to like. I wanty!” Two pilfering attempts and a small fine later, and I had me a copy.

So it’s like this: it’s actually pretty good. The first song? Very catchy, an awesome.. uhh.. you know, like, melody or riff or whatever. I don’t know music terms. All I know is that I like it. Anyways, the next song also is listenable. Very cool. The third song though is where it gets interesting. They completely switch styles and do a flawless cover of “More than a Feeling” by Boston. And when I say flawless, I mean FLAWLESS. Like, I couldn’t tell the difference between it and the original. Anyways, the next song is the classic track “Peace of Mind”, also a true Boston classic. The rest of the CD is a glorious compendium of their best songs, comprising of some of the best music from the seventies and eighties. Very cool.

I give “Boston: Greatest Hits” Eight stars up.

I’m not even going to say it this time…

…or maybe I will: I am back, and I’m sorry for yada yada yada. All is not lost though, according to my “site stats” I’m still managing an averge of like 12 hits a day, which is pretty good for a blog that hasn’t updated in months. Thing is though, for my mighty ego to be inflated back to its normal size, I need like five times that amount. So yeah, now that I got some extra time I’m going to pelt the internet with more of my musings.

So what have I been up to? Well, I’ll tell you.

Linux = holy shits: Okay, here’s a scenario: you hear about the absolute sexiest woman you’ve ever heard, and that she’s been captured. Let’s call her “properly configured Linux”. Now, because she always has her cell phone on her, she got the message out that she will marry the person who rescues her. There is also a rumour out that she’s, well, well versed in some of the finer arts of life. Of course, you would think “hell yes, I gots my moxie on this week, I bet I could do it and get me some of that.” So you set out on your adventure. Halfway through, you realize that you have to swim through the “always liquid concrete” ocean, and then cross the desert where it rains lava, and then once you get to the castle where she is being kept, you have to fight Richard Simmons in an arm wrestle, forcing you to actually touch him.

All of a sudden, the prize doesn’t seem so sweet. But you trek on. You put on your +1 hat of “swimming through the thickest shit ever” and get through the ocean, you use the children you captured proficiently as shields and managed to get through the desert of raining lava, and you touched Richard Simmons, thereby rending your left arm useless. With your one good arm, you open the door to her chamber and see….

Horatio Sans. He laughs at you for a full five minutes and says “the Princess is in another castle!” You then shoot him and go marry a 41 year old rich guy with nice transitions. His name? Vista.

Anyways, tomorrow, I’ll talk to you about something funtastical. Probably a movie or something.

The Tour

Okay, this is it folks. This is what civilization has been leading up to. All those inventions, all those wars, it’s all for this. I present to thee:

A TOUR OF MY ROOM

Enjoy.

View From the Top: Mobile!

It occured to me the other day that cell phones and such are all the rage. Seriously, everyone has one, it’s simply crazy babies. I then got to thinking “if only everyone could read of my great adventures and such on their cell phones?”

Well now everyone can with VFTT Mobile! Just point your cell phone or PDA or whatnot to the address http://www.skwidslair.com/~jayallston/mob (more cell-phone friendly address coming soon!) and you’ll be on your way to PORTABLE ME.

But why, you ask, should you do that instead of just pointing it here? Well, for one thing you can actually read it. Cellphone screens aren’t very big, and that causes the page to render all funny and broken. Also, it’s almost impossible to navigate without a mouse. With VFTT Mobile, it’s all laid out with cell phones and PDAs in mind, meaning that it’s easy to access it all. Also, the pages are way smaller, which keeps your bills down. Boo yeah!

There are some limitations though. You won’t be able to comment or search, and the archives as of now are not complete. More features will be added in time though, so sit tight.

Also, what with the dozens of different kinds of cell phones and such, it’s impossible to get it to look the same for everyone. Does it look like crap on your cell phone of choice? Then sling me a comment or an email; I’ll try to get it fixed right away!

Eat a Steak,

Ben Nicholls

Ben’s Handy Dandy Guide to Reading a Blog

So, you've stumbled upon a blog. Oh, what great and wondrous things must be going through your mind as you try to contemplate the most complex thing on all of the Internet (just barely beating out Altavista's Image Search). What will you do? Reading? Scrolling? Commenting?! How are you expected to keep up with all this fast moving technology?

Well never fear, for I have come to rescue you from your sewer of ignorance. This is just another guide in Ben's best selling series of Guide books. Other titles include Ben's Handy Dandy Guide to Doing your Taxes, Ben's Handy Dandy Guide to Using Your Face Properly, and Ben's Handy Dandy Guide to Keeping your Toilet from Doing that Thing Again. Fret not, my guides are easy to use, because they are written for you. So, without further ado…

Chapter One: This is Probably the Only Chapter

Okay, following is a list of assumptions I'm going t make about you. If you don't fit these, then I'd suggest you pick up another of my guide books: Ben's Handy Dandy Guide to Making Sure you fit Ben's Stereotype of the Common Squalid Peasant.

• You can read, or you have a scribe or priest of some sort there that can read for you.
• You own a keyboard that isn't covered in marmalade stains.
• You know the basic functions of the Internet.
• You have the ability of abstract thought.

Seriously, that's all you need! Any-who, what you'll be seeing right off the bat is the latest post. Post, according to dictionary. com means

A long piece of wood or other material set upright into the ground to serve as a marker or support.

To people who actually know anything though, it means "A thing what is on a blog or something". Now, these are the things that you read. Why you read them is up to you: keeping up with the latest news, making sure you know what celebrity is sodomizing who, fart jokes, the list is quite endless.

Anyways, once you are done reading the latest post, you can scroll down and reveal, wait for it, another post. Now, while this can be quite a treat, remember that is IS older. And surely you know that the older something is, the worse it is. Don't believe me? Okay, then go to a senior citizens home and spend the day there. You'll quickly see my point.

Now comes the tricky part: commenting. Say you disagree with someone's post (What?! Angelina Jolie isn't pregnant, she's just a fat whore!), well, you can show them what's-who! Hit the "comment" link (use the mouse, stupid! The rolley thing!) and you can enter some constructive criticism or oven some sarcastic wit! Soon enough, they'll get their cummupins.

Chapter Two: Okay, I lied. There's more than one.

Give me money.

The First of Hopefully Not Many

CLICK THE IMAGE FOR MAXIMUM LARGENESS.

I realize there is no excuse for this.

By the way, I've added another page entitled "The Best Things to Ever Exist Ever" or something like that. It will change periodically according to my tastes.

Holla back at me,

Ben Nicholls

The Many Adventures of Tony Danza

Tony Danza does many things. This is but one of them.

Coffee House

Okay persons, welcome back. Or whatever.

At my school, we have these things called COFFEE HOUSES and they exist for the sole purpose of letting hicky weirdos to sing country and metal songs poorly infront of a large audience. Now, while this sounds like a prime opportunity for a SCATHING REVIEW, I actually went for the enjoyment of it because it’s in fact not all bad.

The Ups

• A band, aptly named ‘The Bayfield Girls and Bob’ or something similarly well thought out, did a decent job of “Come Together” by The Beatles.
• One band was accompanied by a chubby kid expertly playing the “guitar”.
• One guy wore a Radiohead shirt. That is awesome.
• The tables were covered with heavy paper and crayons were provided. Naturally, a lot of drawings of Stalin arm-wrestling with Mother Teresa for the title of “Bitchinest Anyone Ever” appeared on my table.

The Downs

• Simon
• Not a sinlge person said the word “bollocks”.
• One band smelled bad.
• Garfunkel
• The candle that adourned our table kept burning me.
• Very very very little Bowie content.
• Garfunkel played the “giant, earth swallowing drum”.
• All of my attempts to “grab fire” failed.
• The coffee was sub-par.
• One band felt the need to do their hard-rock rendition of James Blunt’s “You’re Beautiful”, even though no one asked me if I wanted to hear it. Needless to say, I didn’t.
• The paramedics took too long.

So, all in all, I give it my third lowest rating: 2 out of 5. (For a description of my rating system, go HERE)

Hey Nerds!

TEST THY NERD KNOWLEDGE, WEAK, PATHETIC MORTALS!

Seriously, some guy who probably doesn’t pray to Baldy at all made this test HERE. It gives you a word and you must choose whether it is an internet term, or a Star Wars character. Then, it gives you a score and insults you. Now now, before you run to your encyclodecks and your holopedias and your 4th edition Star Trek Enterprise Fleet Manual, I beckon that you try this unassisted. I want to know just how much time you actually spend on the compubox.

Remember, if you do badly, you’re stupid. If you do good, you’re a big nerd and no one loves you. CHOOSE CARFULLY, MEATBAG.

(I got 31.)

A New Era

Okay, an intro of sorts I believe is due here. I know, I know, you already probably know of my many exploits (The Eiffel Tower and the creation of the element Hydrogen come to mind) but please, some people are slow and unresourceful, let them catch up.

My name is Benjamin Nicholls. I have three doctorates, all of them in Baldyology. What this means will become clear later. Anyways, let’s see…. I’m 11 feet tall, made of solid gold, and I can run faster than the Superman, Batman, and Wilt Chamberlain COMBINED. I can will matter into existence, I once threw up a small European country, and I like toast. I also invented the accordion, but they simplified my design by taking al the ammo chambers and fusion reactors off of it, thereby crippling its true use.

So, now that you know a little about me, I’m going to tell you a little about you. Oh, that’s right, I do market research on my main audience, and I know whos reading my blog. Here’s what my research has brought up:

• There is a 81% chance that you are overweight by at least 40 pounds.
• There is a 2% chance you haven’t showered in the last fifteen hours.
• There is a 19% chance that you are using this blog as a tool in your quest for basic literacy.
• There is a 41% chance that you will die of a malignant tumour.
• There is a 0.0001% chance that you will die of a malignant tumour being thrown at you.
• I am your father.

In any case, just so you know, this blog will contain just general musings and such I find/invent. Prepare yourself by closing all open vents coming out of your computer, because I may be sending you airborne viruses with my mad rhymes. Seriously, I don’t want anyone getting hurt. (If you do get hurt though, send me pictures.)

Praise Baldy, and goodnight.

Mailcube.

Yes, you read that right. Screw mailbags, I GET MY FUCKING MAIL IN A CUBE.

Mail transportation solutions aside… I actualy get fanmail! Oh, how it fills me with joy every time I get an e-mail from an adouring fan. I thought perhaps I’d share them with you, and perhaps answer some questions for those who took the time to write. (By the by, I’m not posting email addresses and such. Yeah.)

EMAIL 1:

—
hey ben. i like yur site. i dont like chinese movies ether! also, [CENSORED, TO SEXY FOR THE INTERNET] and then i had to clean it up. is that bad?
—

RESPONDED:

—
Hey, thanks for the compliment. just for your information, Chinese cinema actual kicks a lot of ass, I just don’t like Steven Chow. Although I did actually watch Kung-Fu hustle twice. So that might be saying something.

Also, in answer to your question, it’s perfectly normal for you to [CENSORED, CHESTER], and it would be completely reasonable if you [CENSORED, BACK OFF JACK], even in the kitchen.

I eagerly await a response, preferrably with pictures.
—

EMAIL 2:

—
Yur a loser, u only hat Dean Cain becuz hes better then you Dean Cain is the best acterand he could kick your ass!!!!
—

RESPONDORED:

—
Wow, I didn’t know it, but I guess they must have made keyboards with braille on them, because YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY BLIND. Go you, fight those odds or whatever.
—

Email 3:

—
Hello from YouSendIt,

You have a file named “02 – remember the name (featuring styles of beyond).mp3″ (5405 KB) waiting for download.

Message:

IS MUSICS!
—

RESONDED:

—
Musics eh? Hmm, well this sounds absolutely perfect for everythi- NOT! You can try to trick me all you want, I know about your tricks. There are probably icky things behind that link. Bad things. Keep your disgusting internet paws off of me!
—

Okay, so my mail isn’t acually all that great. Maybe you could spruce it up, and ake it on…. THE MAILCUBE.

(SMOKE.)

Time Away

Okay, just like the countless times before, I’ve neglected to update my little “blog” on the internets. And I get asked all the time, “Ben, how could you possibly deprive your readers of the one-seven minutes of joy every other morning that they look forward too? How could you strip away their souls as such?” Well, it’s actually easier than you think! I’ll tell you some of the reasons why:

The Consortium – For those of you who are incapable of turning your head slightly to the right, I’d like to take this time to tell you that I have another website. That’s right, a website. With contents. What’s more, I actually redesigned the whole entire thing. Well, kind of. I didn’t really do any actual coding, I just found one of my old leather belts and whipped this asian kid for two hours. The next thing I knew, the kid was dead, and my website was on the screen. In any case, I am now forced, by the cosmic powers of the universe to write content for it. I also have to continue finding asian kids to “help” me update the fucker. And that’s tiring.

Dream Theater – Okay, I have this friend. You might know him as Keith, or in other circles prisoner #582931. And at some points, he won’t shut up about this band. At first, I thought he made them up. His stories were ridiculous: people being paid to physically tackle the lead vocalist off the stage during their shows, 45 minute bass solos, biting off a fucking bat’s head; I seriously considered phoning a priest. But then I listened to them… and they are amazing. They have this album, right, and it’sa giant 80 minute story about some chick getting murdered and such. And it embodies qite basically every single awesome genre of music: rock, metal, techno, polka, it’s got it all. They have 25 minutes songs. They have 13 minute instrumentals. They have RAGTIME SOLOS. Seriously, go be checking them out.

Martial Arts – Okay, so I can’t actually do martial arts. But I did kick a hobo. And not in the normal way I kick hobos. Get this: there’s this alleyway I take to get to school. Unfortunately, they decide to plow it into a giant snow mountain that blocks the end. So you have to climb this snow mountain to get to the other side. No probalo you say? Well what if there is a mysterious smokinghobo that awaits you on the other side EVERY MORNING?! Yeah, terrifying isnt it? SO I did what any rational person would do: I jumped from the top of the mountain and kicked him right in the face. And killed him. Yeah. With the kick. Death and all. Okay, that’s a lie. But I did land really close to him and freak him out. And he wasnt there the next morning. So I can only assume he died of “post-terror syndrome”. Yeah.

So the next time you whine about your pathetic psychological addiction to my words and internet abilities, think to yourself, “what amazing adventures is he having that could possibly deter his updates?” And then smile, knowing that my life is more exciting than yours, and that you will always have that to look up to.

And now, a random quote:

“Wherefore the fathers of infintiy dance in the moonight, a great beyond within the outlandish realm of impossibility; they dance for our freedom, and the ones beneath snicker at their footsteps.”

Snow day?

Okay, firstly I’d like to nail something into everyone’s head: I live in Canada, so snow days are not only welcome, but expected in high quantities. Now, I’m not saying it’s anyone’s fault, but today is only the second snow day of the year and I’m pissed. Seriously, last year we had 10 by now. How am I supposed to hunt wildebeast and danger when I have to go to school every day?

Well, being that I’m not one to ask questions without giving a few potential answers, here are my thoughts on new reasons to cancel school.

Scary Day – If it is cloudy or something, or for whatever reason the sun doesnt come up all the way by 6am, school should be declared on account of it being too scary outside. Serisouly, no one is impervious to fear, and darkness is the feariest thing around. Also, Halloween should automatically be declared a Scary Day for hopefully obvious reasons.

Chosen Day – I think it would be fun if a monkey could turn a wheel every month and whatever day it lands on gets to be a “Chosen Day”. On that day, there will be no school, no work, no anbything except parties. Wait… no work, except for the brothels. Yeah. Brothels and parties. Go monkeys!

Space Day – If I look out the window and cannot be 100% visually sure that there is a breathable atmosphere still clinging to the Earth, I want it declared a Space Day, because you can never be too careful with something as lethal as Space.

Old People Day – In my town, every Wednesday has been unofficially declared “Old People Day” because all the old age homes unlock the doors and let them recklessly roam the streets. I think that on these days, we shouldnt have to go to school to minimize the possibility of having to come in contact with one. You think I’m exagerrating? A random old lady I passed on the street once asked me “Sonny, you wanna scrape my toasts?” Simply horrifying. In fact, these days can almost be called Scary Days.

Ham Day – Anytime I feel like eating ham, no school. Period.

Don’t get me wrong, I love school. I just think that 35 hours a week is about 30 hours too many.

Another Recipe

Okay, this one is for the men out there who love meat. And by meat, I mean the meatiest of meat; not that processed crap. Naw, I’m talking like live cows and muated pigs that grow limbs made of bacon. Onwards!

A Thing that is Almost Unquestionably Meatloaf

Preparation Time: 40 of them
Recovery time: 40 more of them. (if you’re lucky)

Ingredients:

meat
a hammer
a hammer-proof pan
a picture of Chef Boyardee
a bread
seasonings (you know, like oregano or oatmeal)
heat source (ex. stove, barbeque, the sun)
more meat

Firstly, put the meat and the more meat in your pan. Then, hammer the meat for half an hour. If the meat has acheived a texture like that of mashed potatoes, you have succeeded in doing this step. If not, you will be punished by having to eat all of the meat.

For those that succeeded (and those who didn’t die from eating all of that uncooked meat), now is the fun part. Mold the “meat” into a loaf. You can use a bread as a model, as most breads come in loaves. Once your pile of gellatinous meat has acheived a loaf-like form, it is ready for the seasonings.

For those who are incompetent, a seasoning is just a food that is too small to eat on its own. Things like pepper, oregano, or red blood cells are good examples, but find your own seasonings to truly customize your dish. Once the meat is completely covered in seasonings, throw it in the oven (or whatever heat source you’ve acquired).

Set up your picture of Chef Boyardee so it is facing the meat as it cooks. This way you don’t have to worry about it burning, because it is a proven fact that nothing bad can happen in the presence of Chef Boyardee.

Return to your meat whenever you want, and voila! Perfect meatloaf!

Serves four.